I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
This toilet bowl is my home.
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