There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I want to fling myself into the sun
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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