Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
