My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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