so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
