After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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