please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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