my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think my mom watched the whole time
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
