watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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