I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
