U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
