Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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