So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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