God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
