I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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