I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
