Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
