There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
