the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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