she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
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