Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
