she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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