that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
