DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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