hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
