all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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