I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
