He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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