mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
