my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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