I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
