for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
