Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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