I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
