i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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