if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
