she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
