I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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