I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
