Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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