you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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