I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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