Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
