I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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