Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
zippers are such a cool invention
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
