Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
