you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
