New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize