he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
