I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
