you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
