Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize