It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
