You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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