I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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