New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
