I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
