i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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