I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
