my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
