he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
