Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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